Are You Kidding, or Are You Being Mean?

👿

I taught tenth grade for decades, and one of the things I tried to make my students aware of is the difference between joking, kidding, being funny, (whatever we call it) and being cruel. One of the lamest excuses we offer for cruel behavior is "I was kidding." I asked them to consider the following things, but people on social media might take the same lessons to heart.

Is it necessary to point out differences? The other day I was sitting with several people when a woman we all know came along wearing, for the first time since I've known her, a wide-brimmed sunhat. The day was hot. She has lots of skin damage from years in the sun, and I happen to know she sees a dermatologist regularly. As she approached, the comments started. "Are you going out to pick cotton?" "Where in the world did you find that hat?" "You look like a dork."

She took it well, but come on. Was it necessary? Might they have figured out why she'd chosen a hat that provided more shade? Are baseball caps the only allowable headgear these days?

Can the person change the thing you're "joking" about? Mitch McConnell's neck draws far more comments on social media than his behavior as a political leader. Why not focus on his decisions, his comments, his actions? Are we in kindergarten, making fun of a person's looks? Not cool.

Would I like it if someone said something similar to/about me? As a kid I was thin, but "skinny" was the predominant descriptor. I started asking people who said, "You're so skinny!" if they'd be okay with me saying, "You're so fat!" Often, they didn't realize that I took the word as criticism, and some claimed they considered it a compliment. No, it's not. Especially among adolescents, words like skinny and fat are never useful.

Now come the comments about political correctness and cancel culture. "We can't say anything!" some complain. They might add, "We're expected to actually think about what we say before we say it!" Gee, what a concept!

I agree that those things can be taken too far, and terms that started out as "okay" get branded as wrong, wrong, wrong. Take retarded as an example. It simply means "slow," so originally, when it referred to those whose learning is delayed, it was descriptive. But people began using it as an insult. (This is not uncommon. It happens in language all the time, and is called lowering. For example, stink was once any smell, but over time it lowered in meaning and now is used only for bad smells.)

When a word is used as a pejorative, it's time to find other, less offensive, words to replace it. That can be difficult. With words like retarded or crippled, replacement terms can be cumbersome, like "differently abled," and many go the same route as the originals because people use them to "joke" (meaning point out in a mean way) about differences between people.

We can all be less hurtful if we considering the three points made above. Even if we're "joking" or "kidding," we're adults. It's time to leave the playground taunts behind.

Book Clubs Take Note: Discussion Guide: Sister Saint, Sister Sinner

When I sent Sister Saint, Sister Sinner to my editor, she was (as usual) helpful about pointing out areas that needed more development, parts that repeated information already given, and places where the logic temporarily failed. At the end, she made a comment that stuck with me: "People are going to be talking about the things you deal with in this book." To me, that meant the story was destined for book clubs. Having visited a few in my years of writing, I knew that they often begin with a list of discussion topics. Now, they often don't stay focused on them, and that's okay. Sometimes it's the wine. Sometimes it's a natural progression. But discussion leaders like having questions that can get the conversation back on track when it strays too far from the story. Every person who reads a book gets something out of it that no one else does. I had the experience once of visiting a book group where one reader didn't like the book and kept bringing up her

What Do You Have of Grandma's?

My grandmother died on my birthday in 1968. We couldn't wish her back, since she'd been in a lot of pain for a long time. Later, I helped Mom clean out her house, and we came upon her sewing basket. For some reason I asked if I could have it, and my mother said yes. I still have it. I think of her every time I take it out of its cupboard, though I can't think of a single time I saw Grandma sewing. It's hers, and that's enough. My other grandmother was the type who asked her progeny what they wanted of her things long before she died. One day when I was visiting I told her about my new hobby, refinishing old furniture. Pointing to a table that had always sat in her living room, she explained that as a young woman she too had taken up that task. The classic-style table was cherry wood, she told me, and she had rescued it from somewhere and given it new life with elbow grease and varnish. "Maybe you'll want it when I'm gone," she said, and I readi

A Story for My Peeps--And a Sale for My E-books

December-r-r E-BOOK SALE You might know about Smashwords. To be honest, I don’t know much. But one of my publishers, Draft2Digital, recently acquired Smashwords, so they are one entity. Smashwords invited all D2D authors to join their December e-book sale, so I did. From December 15 to December 30, 2022, (the kickoff to the real winter season in my home state of Michigan), all of my e-books, both Maggie Pill and Peg Herring titles, will be half off. Fifty percent. Basically, two for the price of one. Is that cool (winter reference) or what? As a rule of thumb, Maggie Pill books are cozy mysteries, (e.g. the Sleuth Sisters & the Trailer Park Tales series) meaning they’re funny (I think), small-townish, and as non-violent as one can get when the story centers on murder. Peg Herring books are all over the map, because I write the story that interests me at any given time. Those who’ve been with me throug

Peg Herring, Mystery Author

Search This Blog