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Showing posts with the label humor

First-World Trials: Then Dreaded New Computer

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  A few months ago, my computer started acting strangely. It wouldn't connect to the internet, or it if did, it wouldn't go beyond the home page. It saved all files as Read Only, no matter how many times I told it not to. And moving from site to site took forEVER. My husband, blithe spirit that he is, said, "Don't keep fighting with it. Buy a new computer." This is a man who hands me his iPad whenever something isn't the way he wants it and expects that I'll return it in working order. He has NO idea what buying a new desktop means.  Still, the computer is old, as computers go, and I use it every day for many things. It got to a point where I had to admit it was time. I ordered a new tower. When it arrived at four p.m. two days ago, Hubby was excited. "Are you going to open the box?" "Tomorrow," I replied, and he seemed disappointed. I'm sure there was a man standing over Pandora's shoulder saying, "Aren't you going to

...and Then the Monsters Showed Up

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I'm not a big reader of science fiction , but I love it when it's well done. (Michael Crichton comes to mind.) Good sci-fi writers explore interesting social questions while constructing cool plots about things that haven't happened...yet. My complaint with SF is that all too often the story ends with "and now we must kill the aliens before they kill us." The last few chapters are the all out battle for the survival of our species, with lots of things blowing up and gallons of green blood spilt. That's not my thing. In the most recent example I read, the story began well, with questions about how time travel would actually work and what the resulting physical and mental problems might be, but it ended up with monsters pouring out of the portal and lots of shooting. We started with questions and ended with an arcade game. SF isn't the only predictable genre, which is why genre fiction has a bad name with literary folks. Who hasn't started a romance

Authors in Strange Situations

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Nobody tells you that promoting the books you write requires you to be adaptable and have a sense of humor. We picture authors jetting all over the country, sipping champagne and telling adoring fans about their latest novel, but that's not reality for the vast majority of us. I loved the story one author told about arriving at a bookstore where he had an audience of one. The fan told him he'd really liked the book, though he admitted he might not have chosen to read it except, "It was the only one they had in solitary confinement." I haven't met any ex-cons who are fans (that I know of), but I have ended up in strange situations. I want to state here for the record that I am EXTREMELY grateful to libraries and bookstores who allow me to come for a Sit & Sign or, even better, a talk. However, it doesn't always go the way one might imagine. *** There was the library where they'd booked two events at the same time in the same room. The othe

Garden Tools We Need to Invent

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Edible things are starting to appear in our garden (through John's efforts alone these days) and it occurs to me there are some things Science could invent to help gardeners: Leaf-penetrating radar: for finding all those cucumbers that hide until they're too fat to use Underground MRI : to show which carrots, beets, potatoes, etc. are big enough to pull Rodent-discouraging pods: Before we get to them, critters have chewed a hole and taken out all the peas.  Shaper for peppers: The ones from the store are perfectly formed. Ours taste better, but they look like some weird science experiment.   Shut-off valve for cherry tomatoes, green beans, and zucchini : We're so excited for the first ones, but by mid-August we're desperate to give them away. Don't stop to ask for directions--you'll leave with a car full of vegetables! You probably have suggestions too if you're a gardener.

The Bitter End

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Not me. My hero, Dorothy Parker I posted on Facebook the other day that each book I write comes to the point where I'd like to tell the reader, "I've brought you this far, now you finish it!" I was surprised to read in the responses I got that it's been done. Can't imagine reading a whole book and being left in the lurch like that. As one respondent pointed out, "As the author, you know the characters better than anyone else. You have to tell us what happens to them." Yes, it's the author's responsibility to sort out the mess she's created. Still: 1) I'm tired of them at that point. Like one's children, an author loves her characters, but there are times when she'd like to love them from a galaxy far, far away. 2) Some readers won't be satisfied. I've heard from some who wanted more romance (okay, sex) between the characters to end the book. One reader complained that a certain character would never have given

The Gifts I Buy Myself

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I buy myself presents all the time: they're called books. Sometimes they're Kindle books, although I'm often irritated by the inflated cost of books by big-name authors. If mid-list authors' books can be produced for six dollars or less, why can't everyone's? I know, supply and demand, but there isn't the cost in e-books that there is with print: no print cost, no warehousing, no shipping. But I digress. In addition to Kindle books, I also buy print books. Lots of them. No less than three, sometimes more, bookstores exist where the clerks smile when they see me coming. They know I'm buying. Sometimes my purchases result in entertainment for few hours, and that's great. People gripe about "affording" books, but where else do you get eight hours of entertainment for under thirty bucks? The best times are when my purchase results in absolute rapture. I got lucky last week with THE NIGHTINGALE on my Kindle, which was wonderful. On Thursda

Diseases and Syndromes and Help--Oh My!

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(Author's Note: I have a great deal of sympathy for those who struggle with disease and infirmity. This post is in no way meant to belittle the trauma of actual disease. It's tongue-in-cheek, because the current state of the media, both public and social, makes me crazy, and because some of us are just plain smart-alecks.) Here are some things I could get behind if there were a drive, a telethon, or a campaign to abolish them. The Meme-a-Thon: Do you or have you suffered from people saying things that make you want to punch them in the face? Research has discovered a contributor to this syndrome, and we now know that it comes from meme saturation. Useless and unprovable, memes invade every aspect of our lives, with a meme for every situation that does absolutely no good for the listener but makes the speaker think he's said something wise. With your help, we can educate people on the hurtfulness of repeating memes that often exacerbate feelings of sorrow and worth

30 Days of Christmas Day 22: Random Questions

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1. Why are some words so hard to type? I invariably type Crhistmas and have to fix it. Also Goerge. 2. Why do we make stupid people famous? 3. Who decided that Christmas (or any holiday, for that matter) means going broke buying presents? 4. Who's Making Love to Your Old Lady (While You Are Out Making Love)?-- Sorry, it just came into my head. 5. What was I thinking when I planned a 30-day blog event? 6. What happened to being able to eat whatever I want and never gaining weight? 7. Where did I set my phone down this time? 8. Where can I find out if the 1998 Lincoln Continental had an escape button inside the trunk? (This is the kind of research question that drives authors crazy.) 9. When will I release my next book? (Only editors & cover artists know the answer!) 10. When will we learn that Peace on Earth is the only gift that matters?

30 Days of Christmas Day 18: The Cat's Christmas

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They've started again with the cruel season. They put toys all over the house and then freak out when I play with them. There's a tree full of shinies and danglies in the corner of the living room, but "NO! Don't touch!" happens when I get anywhere near it. I managed to get in a few minutes of exercise with several of the things they hung on it while everyone was somewhere else. First I had to un-stick the nice things from the tree, which was hard. Then I had fun chasing them around on the floor--at least until Dad came in and bellowed like an angry bull, "Mary! Come see what your cat did!" They put pretty things on end tables and shelves too, but again, I'm just supposed to look at them. A grouping of half a dozen figurines in a little wooden shed sits on the coffee table. I knocked them onto the floor to see if they'd roll nicely on the carpet. Only one of them did, but that one was fun to bat around until it went under the piano too far for

Deflating My Ego

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I opened this blog site just now and saw that a bunch of people logged in yesterday. Wow! I must have said something really wise or interesting. No, not really. And what I did say was last Monday. Why was it so intriguing now, seven days later? Maybe a bunch of people heard of me in the last few days? Nope. I spent the weekend at home, and I didn't post much except my usual smart aleck stuff on FB. So why all these looks at my site? After some thought, I figured it out. (Sigh.) It was me. I made changes last night, turning my summer background into a more fall/winter one. Every time I looked at it so see if I liked what I'd done, the computer counted it as a visit. I guess it's true what they say. You create your own excitement.

Take Two Frog Stones & Call Me in the Morning

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Being a student of history, I find myself wondering about what advice was like back in the day. We live in a world where everyone wants to tell us how to eat so we can live to be 100, what to wear so we appear cool and confident, and how to survive the next attack, the next storm, or the next epidemic. Advice from our parents' day now seems quaint and often wrong. The ads that told us real men smoke Marlboros. The Singer instruction manual that advised women to put on a clean dress and makeup and style their hair so they'd be "prepared" for sewing. The general view that a woman should not work once she became pregnant and should stay in bed for two weeks after the birth. Really? So I wonder, did the Tudors get advice from their doctors about how to live to be forty? Of course they did; people have always hoped some "wise" someone could tell them how to achieve good health and avoid early death. The "frog stones" in the title were ground up a

What's the Thing with Cookbooks?

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I signed at Horizon in TC on Saturday, and a staff member told me about an earlier event with a famous (I guess) chef. She said they sold boxes and boxes of his books, with people calling and begging them to save one until they could get there. Which brought to my mind a question: What's the thing with cookbooks? When you're starting out in life, you need a good cookbook, and it might take you two or three purchases before you find one that fits your lifestyle and abilities. After that, you might want to purchase a couple of specialty cookbooks: Chinese food or low-fat or whatever. But once you've got six or eight, what's the attraction for buying more? I haven't bought a cookbook in twenty years except for some they sold at church, and that was more the cause than the desire for new recipes. I'm in the minority, I know. Cookbook sales are huge, and if some chef who's been on TV puts one out, sales are guaranteed to go through the roof. Why? I don't

I Ain't 'Fraid of No Ghost!

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How about some songs about ghosts? 1. Kingston Trio tells about Ghost Anne Boleyn 2. Johnny Cash. Dead Cowboys--need I say more? 3. A ghost's warning to Jerry Lee Lewis 4. Guy plans to propose on Halloween-Classics IV 5. Dickey Lee's date turns into an eerie experience Answers: 1. "With Her Head Tucked Underneath Her Arm" www.youtube.com/watch?v=6JKNl8gmESs 2. "Ghost Riders in the Sky" www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mynzbmrtp9I 3. "Haunted House" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=857UlAih2PI 4. "Spooky" www.youtube.com/watch?v=qAP84Zc_CYU 5. "Laurie" www.youtube.com/watch?v=M0N4nyYS5aA
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Today's Quiz: What Color Is It? 1. "A ____ Sport Coat & a ____Carnation" Marty Robbins 2. "____ Beret" Prince 3. "____ Velvet" Bobby Vinton 4. "Paint It ____" The Rolling Stones 5. "Jeremiah Peabody's (Polyunsaturated, Quick Dissolving, Fast Acting, Pleasant Tasting ) ____ & ____ Pills" Ray Stevens Answers: 1. White/Pink https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zD8MnvyAi6I 2. Raspberry (no YouTube version) 3. Blue Velvet www.youtube.com/watch?v=icfq_foa5Mo 4. Black www.youtube.com/watch?v=MEWYOt3bxNI 5. Green/Purple https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jQIfp1TAo2I&feature=kp

Spelling--Of Course It's Correct

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I found this in my "funny stuff" folder this morning: Eye halve a spelling chequer It came with my pea sea. It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait a weigh. As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long And eye can put the error right Its rare lea ever wrong. Eye have run this poem threw it I am shore your pleaed two no Its letter perfect awl the weigh My chequer tolled me sew.